Why We Decorated a Christmas Tree in September

This morning, I put up a Christmas tree. In mid-September. Let me explain.

I had plans to “unwind” this Sunday morning by watching an interview with one of my favorite authors, but before I got the chance, my son had a meltdown because Sesame Street wouldn’t load. He even tried to pinch me, which is very unlike him. I asked, “What do you feel?” and through tears he said, “I love my dad. I love my dad.”

For most children, that sentence would be heartbreaking enough. But for my son, who is autistic and struggles to put feelings into words, it was monumental. His behavior, which might look like defiance from the outside, was actually grief breaking through the surface. He was telling me, in the only way he could, that he misses his father.

We pulled out pictures, and as soon as he saw his dad’s face, his body softened. Then he ran off happy again. I sat there gutted, realizing that even in his silence and acting out, my son is grieving too.

Later I turned on Elizabeth Gilbert’s interview with @oprah. Ten minutes in, I shut it off. Not because I don’t admire her, because I do. I know her book will be beautiful & important. But because the anger rising in me was unbearable. Another spotlight on the addict and their suffering. Meanwhile, my son is crying for a father who will never come back because of it, and I am left trying to help him carry a grief too big for his seven-year-old self.

This is why I couldn’t stomach another addiction story. Because while the world leans in to hear about rock bottoms and recoveries, nobody is asking about the people left behind. Addiction doesn’t just destroy the one who uses. It bleeds into every corner of a home. It shows up in tantrums over Sesame Street. It shows up in a little boy who wants to decorate an old Christmas tree with alphabet letters, because ritual is comfort and comfort is survival.

That is why I wrote The Plan B Chronicles. Because survival itself is the story. And it deserves the stage too. It’s time our voices got the spotlight.